A Fast Pace or a Steady Race?

One month into my seminary studies, I've found one particular issue weighing on my conscience more heavily than any other: Am I really doing all that I can for God?

You see, when you factor in the demands on a seminarian's time (communal prayer and Mass, class, specific times for meals, formation, spiritual direction, service in the community) and then add in things like exercise, personal prayer time, reading, homework, etc., the amount of time in the day just doesn't seem like it's enough. I know that time-management issues aren't exclusive to those seeking to marry the Church; as a matter of fact, I had quite the busy routine in my college career as well and I've seen many others struggle with the same issues. However, in an honest attempt to make myself the best version of 'me' possible, I'm trying to make the right decisions regarding what I am doing with my every moment. As I evaluate the last month here at Mundelein, I can't help but ask myself: Am I falling into the routines that are truly going to conform me to Christ? Am I really too busy or tired to [insert activity], or am I just making excuses for myself?

It seems almost impossible to do it all, but am I doing enough?

More often than not, I go to bed wishing I could have gotten around to just one or two more things in my day; I'd stay up to accomplish them, but losing sleep only makes the following day's work suffer. The heart of the issue is whether to bear these 'shortcomings' with patience or to drive myself to further discipline. The line must surely be walked with caution; to push myself too hard would end just as poorly as to continue my life making excuses to God.

In the end, the questions go unanswered. I only thank God for the wonderful support system that I have found here in the past month. The staff is excellent (I wish I could even begin to describe how truly amazing the faculty here is both intellectually and personally) and the community with my brother seminarians is incredible.

God, grant me the grace to know your will in my daily activities.

St. Charles Borromeo, patron saint of seminarians, pray for us!

A Little Time in Silence

After moving to Mundelein on August 20th, new seminarians began a nearly week-long orientation process. After having been sufficiently oriented, we were blessed with the opportunity to participate in a silent retreat. And yes, despite the fact that I talk more than is considered healthy for one individual, I did still consider this a blessing. Honestly, how many times does one get to put aside all the distractions of life (read: cell phone, facebook/email, television, etc.) to concentrate solely on spending time in prayer and building up a relationship with God?

I took the week very seriously. There was no collection of cell phones or turning off of the internet; I suppose if one wanted to 'cheat,' it would have been very easy to do so. But I was determined to give all of what I could to the silence--to let God speak to me in whatever ways He had planned.

And speak to me He did. I can't say that I saw any visions or was given over to mysticism, but I did feel a sincere sense of peace throughout the entirety of that week. Fr. Andrew Ricci, rector of the Cathedral in Superior, WI, was the retreat master, and his conferences were quite an experience. Thought-provoking and challenging at times, Fr. Andrew spoke exactly the words that I needed to hear at the beginning of this journey.

Also, having ample time to myself, I picked up a book that I've been very eager to finish (ever since I started it almost a year ago; what can I say? I get distracted easily!). Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul by St. Maria Faustina Kowalksa was stunning to me. The beauty of this saint's experiences with Christ and her profound acceptance of God's will in her life spoke volumes to me in the silence of this week. The holiness that radiated from those pages made me truly want to seek the same depth of relationship with God for myself. God, grant me this grace!

To close, I'd like to share with you a piece of prose written by my newest saintly friend and intercessor, St. Faustina. In it, she communicates with simple words the True Presence and her soul's response to It. May we all take her words to heart and seek the same thing in our lives.

My heart is drawn there where my God is hidden,

Where He dwells with us day and night,

Clothed in the White Host;

He governs the whole world, He communes with souls.

My heart is drawn there where my God is hiding,

Where His love is immolated.

But my heart senses that the living water is here;

It is my living God, though a veil hides Him.

The Love of a Mother

This morning I was struck by the example of St. Monica, whose feast we celebrate today. She was the mother of St. Augustine and an incredible intercessor on his behalf. The simple and yet profound witness of the saints continues to bowl me over from time to time, and St. Monica is no exception. As I was reading an excerpt from the Confessions of St. Augustine about his mother, I couldn't help but be amazed by the beauty of her statements to her son.

We desired with all our hearts to drink from the streams of your heavenly fountain, the fountain of life. That was the substance of our talk, though not the exact words. But you know, O Lord, that in the course of our conversation that day, the world and its pleasures lost all their attraction for us. My mother said: "Son, as far as I am concerned, nothing in this life now gives me any pleasure. I do not know why I am still here, since I have no further hopes in this world. I did have one reason for wanting to live a little longer: to see you become a Catholic Christian before I died. God has lavished his gifts on me in that respect, for I know that you have even renounced earthly happiness to be his servant. So what am I doing here?"

I'll tell you a couple of reasons why her testimony hit me. First, it speaks to me of how greatly a mother loves her son. I wonder sometimes whether that same love still manifests itself in our selfish culture--whether a mother's primary concern for her son is still the salvation of his soul, as it should be. I am also impressed by St. Monica's unceasing prayer for the sake of her son's conversion. St. Monica so obviously believed in the ability of God to convert her son and she would not stop pleading his cause until God answered. Our world seems to have lost its confidence in God's ability to actually effect something in this world. We pray for peace in the world, but do we actually believe that God can provide that? We pray for the healing of sick members of our family, but do we actually believe that God can provide those miracles? We pray for the conversion of the sinner, but do we actually believe that God can intervene in our lives and save our souls? Do we still believe that God can touch this world? Certainly, God will not grant it if we do not actually believe. The doubt of this world scares me sometimes, but St. Monica's witness provides a beautiful example of faith outshining that doubt.

St. Monica, pray for the conversion of this world. Amen.

My Spiritual Testament of Totus Tuus

At the end of our Totus Tuus experience this summer, we were asked to write a spiritual testament. Not knowing exactly what to write, I sat outside the Chiara Center on a beautiful summer day and petitioned God for His help. Inspired or not, this is what I wrote:

Serviam

God has led me to the doors of the Church, not looking inward, but outward to the world He has called me to serve. Through His grace which sustains, He has given me the faith by which to know His love and mercy.

So then, I am called to respond, to lay down my earthly life to serve the kingdom which my flesh could neither merit nor deserve, all for the sake of spreading Christ's Gospel.

"Yet I consider life of no importance to me, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to bear witness to the gospel of God's grace." (Acts 20:24)

I have been called to withdraw my desire of all earthly things, and yet in His kindness, His earthly creation constantly proclaims the glory due His name.

As I take up my cross and die to self, I know that I shall never be alone in doing so. With so great a crowd of witnesses as have gone before me, I am filled with gratitude for the example that has been and continues to be--the example of the Church. God, so intimately knowing His creation, has inspired in me a great love of humanity, and so blessed me with the gift of the Church, who in her majesty can never displace herself from the love of God. In fact, even before my fleshly existence, He knew of my need for His Incarnation--for His joining in my humanity--and so for my salvation, He sacrificed His only Son.

Thanks be to God for all that He has given me, none of which I deserve, but all freely given, for me, His chosen one.

A Summation of the Last Half of Totus Tuus

Admittedly, I've failed at keeping up the weekly Totus Tuus correspondence. Hopefully that means I was investing the extra effort into the youth of the Diocese of Springfield in Illinois...

The last half of the summer was incredibly busy and very intense. We went from St. Peter's in Quincy, which had the largest numbers of any parish this summer (85 day and 55 night!), to St. Francis Xavier in Jerseyville (not a small parish itself), to St. Agnes in Springfield (also pretty substantial), finally finishing up in Auburn at Holy Cross Parish.

Without going into much detail, I found that the last half of the summer was just as epic and grace-filled as the first (if not more). My teammates were all spectacular and I couldn't have asked for a better group of fellow missionaries. We worked hard this summer and hopefully contributed a little to the salvation of souls. I think I'll let prayer and the Holy Spirit take it from here...

Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, Patroness of the Diocese of Springfield in Illinois, Pray for us!!

Everyone Needs a Break Sometimes...

...And this one was very much needed. I don't remember being that tired after the first four weeks (five counting training) of Totus Tuus last year. But boy was I exhausted this time around.

To be honest, I was able to kick some of the weariness as the week went on and I looked more and more forward to traveling up to the Chicago area to see some of my friends from college. Even though it's only been a month and a half since I've graduated, it seemed like it had been forever since we last met.

I drove straight from Springfield to Flanagan, where I had dinner with Austin's family. We then drove up to Downer's Grove, dropped my car off at Maggie's, and finished the drive to Libertyville, where we crashed for the night with Dan! We visited some place called the Island for a drink and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during a movie when we returned home.

The next day we bummed around Libertyville. Later that day, we ended up in Naperville, where Dana was so nice as to invite us for dinner and a pool party. Dinner was delicious, but the company was what I truly missed. I was SHOCKED when everyone showed up...it was literally everyone that I was hoping to see during my trip up to Chicago (with the exception of Claire and Tim, who I saw earlier that day during Mass at Marytown). It was like a dream come true. It was so great being back together for one more meal before we all part ways for the school year.

After a night of awesomeness, Komo, Austin, Maggie, and I retired back in Downer's Grove. After Komo left the next afternoon, the happy couple and I wandered around the DG area and had a very nice dinner. We spent most of the night drinking strawberry daiquiris and playing Trivial Pursuit (that's right...and it was awesome). This is why I love my friends. I then fell asleep (again) during a movie.

After a great weekend, I drove home to visit family. Now, after visiting a few high school friends and spending a very restful few days at home, I'm armed and ready to start another four weeks of Totus Tuus!

I love my friends.

P.S. I'm sorry most of the posts this summer haven't been terribly interesting or cleverly worded...my method the past few posts has definitely been word-vomit until my mind is purged and don't try to spice it up at all. I'll see if I can work on that.

Totus Tuus Parish #4: St. John Vianney, Sherman

Whew! It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. You can attribute that to the fact that I was pretty tired during our fourth week of...catechizing those kids!!

After having distanced myself from the work by a week, let's see how much of a memory I can produce of that wonderful time spent in Sherman.

First off, the church was beautiful (especially for a 1960s construction), as you can see for yourself:

As it turns out, the pastor of the parish is also the Vicar General of our diocese, so it was also great to get to know him a little bit. He's an incredibly busy man, but he managed to clear his schedule and spend some time with us!!
The beginning of the week was a little shaky, with a somewhat low turnout of the jr. high/high school kids. But by the end of the week, the numbers for both the daytime program and nighttime program grew, and I managed to get over my initial tiredness and be there for the kids! Totus Tuus...not halfus tuus; something frequently said to remind ourselves that the kids and families we encounter deserve more.

Final thought for this (not-so-well-put-together) post: something by St. John Vianney that was written on the side of the church.